Here is a note of five things I had learned by the time my child was three weeks old.

Babies are quite musical – mine makes little peeping noises which are often operatic in tone and completely adorable 

When you are breastfeeding it is common to get flu-like symptoms easily confused with those of mastitis

Your milk ducts go all the way up to your armpits

The sleep deprivation makes you hallucinate – for example that time I informed my partner he did not need to get up to change the crying baby because I had him here in the bed with me. I stated this bald lie with such conviction he doubted himself, and the aforementioned evidence of the baby crying in his bassinet

Babies need extra vitamin D to protect them from actual rickets. #BrokenBritain