You may be all hot and bothered about the release of JK Rowling‘s longed for new novel The Casual Vacancy tomorrow, but that’s nothing compared to the emotional torment of waiting for the fiction debut of Andrew Blair and Daniel Lilley.  That’s right, I could only be talking about The R-Patz Factz, a new book exploring the life and loves of Twilight actor Robert Pattinson by committing to doing no research on them whatsoever.  In the following guest post, Andrew tells me more about what inspired him to create this thing. 

In the spirit of full disclosure, I should probably point out a) the aforementioned author is my boyfriend, and b) Robert Pattinson in no way endorses or knows about the project.

What is Robert Pattinson?

This was our nub, our foundation.

You, my fellow writers (for I am one of you now) will be familiar with that quest for the Holy Grail: the insurmountably brilliant concept. One which blows minds until they dribble out of nostrils and into the little hole in the middle of our bagels, where they will eventually become bespoke candles.

We had our quest(ion). To answer the essence of R-Patz. We pooled our waxy thoughts together and turned it into a replica of the man. Research of the highest calibre was clearly needed, with so much hearsay and telltale tittle tattle lickspittling its merry way across our sensual organs.

Then we got bored and made it up.

The authors and a bear, circa 2004

There are some pictures too. We drew them on a Wednesday and then tried to create a new kind of chocolate bar by shoving a Twix into a Bounty. It’s a heady cocktail of emotions, creation. No wonder there are so many religions.

Anyway, we figured that it might be a good idea to release it near Christmas where all the other half-baked comedy projects go, so people could buy it for unlucky Twilight fans, or confused David Cronenburg nerds could read up on their hero’s latest muse. Basically, our plan is to capitalise on the unfortunate misunderstandings of wealthy Kindle owners.

It would be lovely, of course, if we became a noted authority on the mind and body of Robert Pattinson, with our words quoted verbatim on Wikipedia and spread as rumour throughout the land. False truths such as:

‘When he gets in a bath or shower, Robert Pattinson always says, ‘Oh look Robert, you’re all wet.’


Robert Pattinson will never go to Scarborough, because he refuses to enter somewhere named in celebration of the evil that killed Mufasa.’

So yeah. Fun for all the family. Except children. And of course Robert Pattinson, for whom all this might be quite upsetting and bewildering – but definitely not worth suing anyone over.

The R-Patz Factz is released as an eBook on October 18th 2012.  To keep up to date with new developments, you can like it on Facebook.

To find out more about Andrew and his various projects, follow him on Twitter @aagb1884 or check out his website and blog.  Co-author Daniel is not readily available on these outlets, but can be found wandering the streets of London town looking for apples most days.