Today I am going to post a few negative words about kindle at the behest of Twitter user @JacToTheFuture, who is trying to find reasons other than immediate financial impracticality why she should stick to paper.  So here you go, ten reasons not to buy a kindle, which you should listen to as I am currently in possession of a borrowed kindle and have read stuff on it and everything.

  1. It is AGAINST NATURE.  Not in a literal sense, you understand – it’s probably a lot better for the environment than cutting down trees.  But if the gods wanted us to read from a kindle why didn’t they invent a kindle tree?  Hm?  Yeah.
  2. Kindle uses subliminal messages to contribute to the western world’s obesity problem.  Every so often it flashes up pictures of macaroni cheese, giving you the impression you want to have it for every meal and eroding your ability to just say no.  I literally haven’t eaten anything else since starting THE GREAT KINDLE CHALLENGE, and I have gained 8 stone in the process.  That’s 112 pounds, people – that shouldn’t even be possible in a week.  Soon I shall be house bound, able to do nothing except reading and crying into my mac cheese, and poor Bob will never get his kindle back.  Although his cholesterol will undoubtedly thank me.  Swings and roundabouts, as they say.
  3. Kindle is manufactured using a machine powered by the tears of orphans. And puppies.  And orphaned puppies.
  4. The fact kindle makes it so easy to self publish means users are at risk of being smothered by half finished novellas which are thrown up onto the internet by idiots like me long before they are anywhere close to being readable.  Some doctors fear the sheer volume of unfiltered, poorly conceived genre fiction available could cause some readers’ brains to explode.
  5. It doesn’t come in pink, or purple, or even leopard print. Design fail or what.*
  6. When the volume of kindle users in the world exceeds a certain number, fire will rain down upon us and there shall be seven plagues each more horrible than the last.  Oh, and Voldemort will rise again.  So says the prophecy, which you wouldn’t know about if you only read kindle cause it was written on parchment.
  7. Kindle does not work as interior decor. If you go round someone’s house and they have no books, how can you tell whether they’re cool, or pretentious, or multilingual?  In fact, how can you tell whether they’re a kindle owner, or just someone without any books?  Is it rude to ask them?  Probably.  This is a social minefield, people.
  8. No graphic novels.  If you don’t think that’s a problem you clearly haven’t read Sandman.  You should rectify that.
  9. Kindle may be great if you are a liberal feminist who wants to read Jordan’s latest hit without being spotted, or a grown man who loves The Karate Princess – but it can work against you.  People like judging strangers, sure, but they’ll also look at you differently if you’re reading something close to their heart. You might be an awkward soul who never gets hit on, but if you’re reading The Book Thief or Mort or Transmetropolitan you may well look up one evening to see the smiling eyes of a kindred spirit.  Kindle destroys all chance of such literary romance.  Is that really something you can condone?
  10. If the battery runs out and mice have hidden the charger, or it gets nicked, or you knock a bowl of onion soup over it, you have nothing to read.  NOTHING.  Unless of course you’re using it in addition to other books, but we all know that’s impossible – the argument is kindle vs books, with no grey areas in between.  ENJOY STARING AT THE WALL.

*Except of course you can buy customised skins if you want. But that doesn’t help my argument so sshhh.

Disclaimer: These are (predominantly fictional) personal opinions, so don’t anyone go suing me.  Kthxbai.

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